June 20, 2010

Fatherless Day

Today is Father's Day, I can't really say that it was a big deal for me. I hesitated whether or not to call my father since he was never there when I was growing up. I did after a lot of contemplation and I simply did it because I knew my mother would ask if I had and I know I would have gotten a lecture.

I don't know if he sensed the insincerity in my voice, if he did there was no evidence in his tone that he had.

All the rejection that I felt growing up is still very much present, I try to not let it get to me and for the most part I am successful but I know that deep down I am still dealing with it.

June 19, 2010

Health Rut

I am in a health rut. I have let myself go, completely. I haven't been paying attention to what I've been eating or how much. It is such a shame because not only have I gained almost twenty pounds but I know I'm putting myself at risk for all sorts of diseases. I'm making myself miserable. As a result of my weight gain I can hardly fit any of my clothes which makes me not care so much about the way I dress anymore. I hate buying clothes becasue now I have to buy bigger sizes and I absolutely refuse to buy anything new.

June 17, 2010

Hair again

OK, once again I am going through my hair dilemma.

I have been wearing braids for awhile after my very tragic hair-cut. Oh the trauma.

Anyway, I am tired of the braids and I am ready to go back to my old self.  I found a new stylist and I know she can cut hair, this time I made sure I saw the evidence before letting her touch my head.

Hopefully this won't turn out like the last time.

Negativity

I cannot stand negative people. Nothing irks me more than someone who always has something bad to say.

They have a problem with everything and everybody .Life always sucks for them and someone is always out to get them .

Being around these kinds of people sucks the energy out of you and you would prefer to jump out of a speeding car on a road of thorns than have to listen to them tell you how much they hate life.

I have a negative Nancy at my job and I wish I could just smack the crap out of her and tell her that the reason she can't get anywhere in life is because of her crappy attitude and not because people are trying to hold her back. Unfortunately, I can't smack her. Too bad, it would make me feel better.

June 15, 2010

Counting my Blessings

Sometimes the things we think are burdens are actually blessings.
Unfortunately, we don't realize that God has given us the ability to handle these "burdens" and carry those loads without falling flat on our faces.
I see it now.
I would get upset sometimes because of my responsibilities. I have to pay all the bills and the rent. It feels like a huge burden because I want things- material things and because of my responsibilities, I just can't get what I want. How shallow.
I forget to acknowledge that I am so fortunate. We have never been unable to pay the rent, or had our light shut off because we couldn't pay it. We have never gone without food.
I realize that I have a blessing. I can take care of these things despite the recession and the fact that I don't make a lot of money.
So what if I have to sacrifice that bag or those shoes? Material things mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.
It took me a minute to realize this. I would be singing a different tune if I couldn't take care of the bills, if I couldn't take care of my mom.
I am blessed. I have to say it to myself so it becomes ingrained. I. Am. Blessed.
I have to keep saying it until I believe it, on those days when I just want to get my nails done or when I want to go to a fancy restaurant. Or when I just don't want to be the only one paying all the bills.
I. AM. BLESSED

June 13, 2010

internal chaos

I find myself in a very weird place right now. I feel like I'm going through some sort of transition but I haven't figured it out quite yet.
Sometimes I feel very strongly about who I am and what I'm about but there are times like at this very moment that i question all of those things I thought I knew. I feel as though I can't connect with this person, this shell, this body.
Don't know anymore if I even knew who I was. Confusing, right? Well that is exactly who I feel.

June 12, 2010

People do the craziest things

Living in NY you see the craziest things in public, particularly on the subway.
I don't know what it is about the train that causes people to think that it is their own personal sanctum. From the woman clipping her toenails, she was a little bit on the insane side; the man flossing his teeth, to the dude doing chin-ups and push-ups.
People do whatever the hell they feel like doing with total disregard for anyone else.
Seeing these odd behaviors no longer illicit shock from many New Yorkers,who simply continue to do what they were doing seemingly oblivious to the chaos around them. Me, I'm not a native New Yorker and I have yet to master the art of ignoring the giant white elephant in the room, I see everything strange that happens and I am quite disturbed.
So much so that I was prompted to write a letter to dude doing chin-ups.
Goes something like this:


June 1, 2010

Changes




So much is going on in my life right now, lots of changes taking place.

I'll finally be graduating from college, yay me!!!! Cum Laude at that.

I have also accepted a new job working with Teach for America. I'm gonna be a teacher. I still can't believe it. I did everything but swear on my mother's life that I would never be a teacher, I just didn't see it in my future but here I am and I'm uber-excited.
This is such an amazing opportunity and I can't wait to start.
This new job comes after 5yrs of working for the same company, the time has definitely come for me to move on. There is no future there for me and I'm like a hamster on a wheel going around and around in circle but getting nowhere. Time to GO!

It's scary to leave what I've become so accustomed to and go try something new. Wow...talk about nerve-wracking.
I'll need lots of prayer.