Hey lovelies. Happy weekend. I hope you're enjoying your freedom. That's how I think about my weekends at least.
I wanted to talk about something that I've been really struggling with over the past few weeks.
I'll preface by saying that one of the things I find challenging is being open about my feelings or problems. I'm really not good at it, actually hate talking about emotional/ feelingly (made this word up) type stuff.
I'm usually really articulate and can communicate my thoughts in a relatively intelligent manner but the moment I have to open up and discuss my feelings/problems is the moment I turn into a bumbling mess.
I guess it comes from my fear of appearing weak or vulnerable. I don't want to talk about my feelings because they're so complicated (I like simple) and I may break down and cry (hate crying, I get the worst headache and my eyes get puffy...not cute) and that would make me seem weak. I hate the idea of being perceived as someone who can't deal with life.
Just wanted to put that out there so you can understand me a little better.
So my struggle has been really a private one. I have spoken to a select few people who were also going through the same thing but for the most part I tried to handle it on my own.
I made a promise long time ago in this post
that I wanted to be more transparent on my blog. I admire those bloggers who can share what's going on in their lives in an open and honest way. I strive to be more like like them.
So here is my real life struggle.
I've been having a hard time emotionally over the past few weeks. After almost two years of being away from home, I experienced the most severe case of homesickness. I was miserable and depressed. I think there was day that I may have sat on my couch and cried for 6 hours.
It seemed like my entire world was a mess (dramatic much?). It's weird how one thing that's seemingly wrong in your life can make everything else seem like a snowball of chaos although there is no correlation between any of it. Please tell me I'm not the only one like this.
I was really missing my friends. My friends are really important to me, they are people I spent years cultivating a relationship with. Many of them have been in my life anywhere from 5 to almost 20 years. Those are the people who know me and who I can be myself around, no judgements and no condemnation. I feel secure and happy when I'm with them and if things are rough just being around them makes me forget my problems.
I was seriously missing those people to the point of a break down. It scares me that all these years apart will cause us to drift apart and when I finally decide to go home, the relationships will be completely changed because we've changed.
I was also struggling with managing my expectations of the friends I've made here.
When you move to a new place your need to be a part of a social group is more heightened because you're in this unfamiliar place and it can be painfully lonely.
You try to make friends as quickly as possible to create a sense of security.
Sometimes you don't get to know these people deeply enough but you assume that because you've clicked and spent so much time hanging out and having a good time, that they will be to you what your friends back home are. When that doesn't happen it can be disappointing.
You know how you have different types of friends who based on their personalities bring different things to your life; you have the listener, the shoulder to cry on type, then there is the comedian to make you laugh and the problem solver to help you get your crap together. I have all these different people in my back home life.
The problem for me was that I expected one person to be all the things that all my other friends (back home)were to me collectively.
That is a lot to put on one person and obviously it wasn't possible and it was completely unfair to that person.
However before I realized the error of my way, I was thinking this person had somehow let me down by not being everything I needed. It finally hit me that I was being unreasonable and that person couldn't fulfill the expectations I had created for them. What I wanted from them just wasn't something they could give me. It was like expecting a cat to lay eggs (totally impossible and unreasonable).
If you choose to be friends with someone, you have to take them as they are.
That's what friendship is about.
I'm working on coming to terms with this reality. I don't know how I came to be this way, I am usually quite sensible. Seriously, moving can bring out the best and worst in you.
Thankfully I'm in a better place this week. I know I am very blessed to have some wonderful people in my life. I just need to focus on that.
The homesickness has subsided a little but I'm still counting the days until I get to be back to the states.
Thanks for listening,