There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt. It is a duty to take this risk, to love and feel without defense or reserve.
- William S. Burroughs
I've debated writing this post for a bit. There is within me a slight bit of reservation as to how much of my life to reveal on the blog.
I've been very transparent in the past and I always want to be that way, within reason of course.
So after much thought I've decided to give you a little update about my life- specifically my love life.
As some of you know, I've been wading in the online dating pool since the beginning of the year with minimal success. I was on three sites and frankly had gotten to the point where I was just ready to quit. If you read this post, you know that my dating life was non-existent. I would get loads of messages but they led nowhere. Men will engage in lots of texting, messaging and never initiate an actual face-face meeting. I was so over it.
While sharing with my co-worker, she suggested another online dating forum. Now instead of running to the hills, I decided to give it a go. So I signed up for Plenty of Fish and I had way better luck.
In less than two weeks I had chatted with a few guys and had three actual dates. Dates that went really well. Way better results than I'd had for the almost four months that I had spent on the other sites combined.
One date went so well that it has led to us seeing each other every weekend since. We've decided not to see other people and focus on exploring the possibility of something long term.
The thing is, even though this is something I've wanted for a long time part of me is scared. I've heard all these horror stories of people meeting online and all the lies and deception that ensues. So far dude seems cool but I can't help but wonder when the crazy might come out. Granted it is possible that you could meet crazy at Whole Foods too. My fear is therefore moot. So far he has been nothing but great. Mature, responsible and seemingly sane.
Also totally realized that I'm not good with feelings and emotions, and apparently when you attempt to be in a relationship these things are necessary for a healthy relationship. I've been struggling y'll. Why didn't someone warn me that the beginnings of a relationship aren't always pixie dust and fireworks. Shit gets real when you have to discuss relationship stuff. Was not ready for that.
Ultimately, after careful self-analysis and lengthy conversations with two amazing friends who have given me a safe space to air my irrational, I've come to the conclusion that I just don't want to be hurt. Feelings and emotions make you vulnerable and I don't like to be vulnerable because it opens you up to the possibility of hurt and ain't nobody got time for that.
I've never had my heart broken and why would I want to start now? Broken hearts are a privilege of youth. When you can easily bounce back after days of crying over a pint of ice cream while listening to songs for the broken hearted, at least that's what they show in the movies. I'm to old for that.
But...since I am super mature and one of my life goals is to live fearlessly, I'm taking a chance. I allowing myself to feel and to be open. Nothing worth having in life is obtained without some amount of risk. It's still very early and it may or may not evolve into love but I've committed to not getting in my own way. If nothing else, there'll be an interesting story to tell.